7 Ways to Help Your Child Process Grief

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I hate it when tragedy strikes (I don’t suppose anyone loves it—at least I hope not). But what I hate is that feeling of helplessness. That feeling of wanting to help people but unsure sure of how.

Last week our town suffered a tragedy. If you live in South Lyon then you know all about it. If you don’t you can readwhite ribbon about it here.

Maybe this left you, as a parent, wondering how you could help. Specifically, how you could help your children process everything.

I’m no expert, but I’ve found help from someone who is. Dr. Garry Collins is the author of the book Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide (at 976 pages of small type, he’s not kidding). Here, he lays out seven steps we can take to help others process their grief.

1. Encourage discussions about death or other losses before they occur

Ever since we lost Meredith’s mom, death has been a topic of conversation in our home. And because of this our kids appear to be comfortable with the subject (as much as kids can be). This might change as they get older. But according to Collins such conversations make things easier the next time death occurs.

2. Be present and available

This one hurts to write. Because one time when I should have done this, I didn’t. And I missed a real opportunity to help people in need. I wish I would have read Collins earlier. Painful lesson learned: never underestimate the power of just showing up to sit with someone—your kids included (see Job 2:11-13).

3. Make it known that expressing emotions is good and acceptable

My Dad lost his mother and brother prematurely. And he’s never been one to grieve openly. So I was surprised one day during a conversation about death, he shared this gem with me: “Crying gets the poison out.” Collins would agree. Sometimes giving your children permission to cry is the best thing we can do for them.

4. Be a careful listener

Generally what makes it so hard to help those who are grieving is that there is often nothing you can say that will make them feel better. That’s why according to Collins, “the best counselor listens…”.  Sometimes the best way to help is just to listen to whatever your child feels like saying.

5. Don’t push

But as parents we must also be careful. Collins continues , “the best counselor listens and responds when the counselee wants to discuss issues related to the loss, but also is willing to back off if the griever wants to talk about something else or wants to withdraw”(p. 477). For parents, that means giving our kids room to talk, but also space not to talk.

6. Don’t discourage grieving rituals

It is possible your child might want to attend the funeral, even if they weren’t particularly close to the family. Collins says that’s okay. Doing so will help remove the mystery of death for your kids. This will in turn help them process things better.

 7. Pray

This is often our first reaction. And of course it is the right one. Collins encourages parents to pray and use words from Scripture so as to stay away from religious cliches that could be used to stifle your child’s expressions of grief.

None of these steps will take away the pain of the loss, or make walking through grief any easier. But they should make your time with your children more helpful. As much as I hate tragedies, I am thankful for professionals like Dr. Collins that give us the tools to help ourselves and our kids walk through them.

I pray these tools help you.

 

Five Books That Helped Me Learn How to Pray

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In high school I heard somewhere that James the brother of Jesus had knees like a camel. Supposedly he prayed so much on his knees that they became extremely calloused to the point they resembled camel knees.

For some reason I thought this sounded like something to aspire to. So for a time in high school I prayed on my knees. Most of the time wearing shorts (because growing up in California you can do that sort of thing), in hopes that I too might have camel knees.

I had issues in high school.

Now praying just so your knees become calloused like a camel isn’t the best reason to pray. But by God’s grace something in me did begin to change. It wasn’t my knees. But it was a growing desire to be able to communicate with God.

I had a lot of learning to do.

My formative learning on prayer would come through the following five books. There are lots of other great books on prayer, these are just the ones God used in my life to lay a foundational understanding of prayer and how to go about praying.

1. Richard Foster’s Prayer: Finding the Heart’s True Home

This book opened my eyes to a banquet of prayer options. Not only did it give me a far greater understanding of prayer, it also changed a lot of my thinking on how to pray.

2. Jack Deere’s Surprised by the Voice of God

Should I expect to hear from God? Jack Deere emphatically says yes. This was the first book I read (by a Bible scholar) that laid out a convincing biblical argument that God still speaks to us today.

3. Dallas Willard’s Hearing God: Developing a Conversational Relationship with God

Much like Jack Deere’s book, Dallas Willard lays out the case that God still speaks. But then he focuses on how to hear God’s voice and what it means to live a life in two-way conversation with God. It was a very helpful book to read after Deere’s “Surprised by the Voice of God.”

4. John Eldredge’s Walking with God: Talk to Him. Hear from Him. Really.

This book is not so much a book about prayer as it is as an example of a life of prayer. Reading this book felt like I was spending a year with Eldredge just observing what it looks like to be in continual conversation with God.

5. Ben Patterson’s God’s Prayer Book: The Power and Pleasure of Praying the Psalms

Ben Patterson convinced me that the best teacher of how to pray is the Scriptures, specifically the Psalms. Learning from Patterson how to pray through the Psalms not only changed my understanding of the Psalms but also radically changed how I pray and what I pray for.

I still have a lot of learning to do when it comes to prayer, but these books have certainly helped. I can honestly say that learning to pray has been one the best things I have done as a follower of Jesus. So I hope these books will help you too  learn how to pray.

 

Other helpful books on prayer:

Jim Mindling’s Learn to Breathe: The Surprising Path to a Transformed Life

Paul E Miller’s A Praying Life: Connecting With God In A Distracting World

Tim Keller’s Prayer: Experiencing Awe and Intimacy with God
(I haven’t read this one yet, but I have no doubt it will be good)

Partnership with God

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I sometimes envy others who are connected to people in “high places”.  Doors of opportunity just seem to magically open for them. They seem to be able to accomplish more, to do more significant things, and overall operate on a higher plane of existence.

Of course, it’s not true. But sometimes I’m tempted to believe the lie. The lie that if I was better connected life would be better.

Can you relate?

Do you have a list (maybe just in your head) of people you wished you knew? Or better yet, do you have a list of people you wished knew you?

Yeah, me neither 🙂

Here’s the good news!

We don’t have to envy others in “high places” anymore.

The God of the universe not only knows us but created us to be in a relationship with Him. But not just any kind of relationship. God created us to be in partnership with Him.

What does that mean?

Watch this short video and find out:

 

For more great videos like this go to www.jointhebibleproject.com

Should I let my teen go to another church?

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When I was in high school (I still like to think that wasn’t that long ago) everyone I knew who went to church, only went to one church—their church.

But now, twenty years later (holy cow) things have changed. Students attend different churches all the time.church

Is this a bad thing?

I don’t think so.

Here’s why…

First, there are a lot fewer church-going Christian students than before. So students are now looking for their “tribe” where ever they can find it.

Second, different churches have different strengths (and weaknesses). The big churches “down the street” are great at attracting students through big events, high entertainment youth nights, and giveaways. They’re able to reach a lot of students who would be scared (yes scared) to step foot into a traditional looking church. Their ability to reach the unchurched is a great thing!

On the other hand churches like Fellowship, because of our size, have different strengths. We are able to easily connect with people. The first time someone comes to us, we know their name. We’re also able to focus more deeply on discipleship. More than once a student has told me that he likes coming to Fellowship because he can ask hard questions. Others have told me they like the fact that the groups are small, and not overwhelming.

Here’s the thing. One kind of church is not better than the other. As long as we’re all doing our best to proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ and make disciples, we’re all on the same team. And there is no need to worry about competition.

Today students like being able to grow in their faith through both big and small churches. They like experiencing God through Gospel-driven entertainment, relational settings, and making deep connections with adults and friends.

All this is fine as long as one thing doesn’t change.

That is your student has a church home. By church home I mean, that they are committed to a family of believers on Sunday morning. Obviously I’m biased toward having them commit toward the family of believers at Fellowship.

But here’s why this matters. Church is like a family. And your student needs to be committed to a family and have a family that is committed to them.

Why?

Research shows, the teens who flourish in their faith after high school are the teens who had multigenerational relationships in their home church. That is the teens felt comfortable around and loved by the whole church family and not just their peers. They felt connected to the parents and the grandparents of the church as well. Teens only experience these kinds of relationships when they and their families commit to making one church their home church.

So don’t feel guilty if your teen wants to go with their friends to another church. It’s not a competition. Every church exists for a reason—to display the glory of God in the manner God has called them to. Let them enjoy seeing how God is working in another church. But on the other hand encourage (maybe even require) your teens to be committed to a home church—a place where they feel a part of the family. A place where they will be known and loved by multiple generations and given the opportunity to flourish in their faith.

Life-Saving Use of a Napkin

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It wasn’t the first time I put my foot in my mouth.  I was a young youth leader just out of college talking with some church folks about evangelism. Someone mentioned they liked using Gospel tracts.  I rolled my eyes and went on a diatribe about how I had tried tracts and found them useless.

“No one really reads them.” I said. “They just throw them away”

I may have even thrown in some stats on the ineffectiveness of Gospel tracts for good measure.napkin

The conversation had been put to rest.

That is until a young women standing in earshot of our group turned around and messed everything up.

She shared how a few years ago she had been in a very bad place in life–drugs, bad relationships, and financial ruin–the whole deal. Then one day she was walking down the street. She happened to see a little booklet on the sidewalk. Curious, she opened it up. It was a Gospel tract. One that used the “Bridge” illustration. She read it. Saw the prayer at the end. Prayed the prayer. And that day gave her life to Jesus Christ.

“That tract saved my life,” she said.

“uh…huh,” I replied.

Since then I’ve become much more “open-minded” about the use of Gospel tracts. I no longer try to convert people away from using them. Even when I hear that they placed them on every car in a Target parking lot. Or that they gave a tract in place of a tip at a restaurant. Or that they just like to pass them out to strangers on a street. Because hey, if God used them once before, he can certainly do it again (and I’m sure he has).

The Apostle Paul reminds us “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!”(Romans 10:5)…I think that even includes those who hand out tracts.

But what if you don’t have a tract?

Start with a napkin.

Below is the “Bridge” illustration that led the young women to Christ. If you were born before 1985 and have been around church for a while you’ve likely seen it. But in our “post-Christian” cultural, there’s a good chance you have kids, grandkids, friends, neighbors or others you know who haven’t seen it before.

Take a moment to learn it, or relearn. Practice it on a napkin a few times- (so your drawing is not all smudgy). Then pray for an opportunity to share it with someone. They might take your napkin tract only to later throw it away. But then again someone might happen to find your discarded napkin tract. And it might just happen to save her life.

 

 

The best parenting advice I’ve ever received

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Early in our marriage there was a time when my wife, Meredith, and I seriously contemplated not having kids. I chose to verbalize this contemplation one evening while we were attending a Christian couples retreat.

We were sitting in a circle with other young couples. Everyone was sharing about marriage, family, and kids. Some couples shared their hopes for future children, other couples shared how great it was to have kids.

I sat there with my knee nervously bouncing, completely unable to relate.  For me, the thought of having children seemed overwhelming and not great.

So I raised my hand, waited for our group leader to call on me, and then I asked a question I knew was heretical in some Christian circles…

“Why should we have kids?”

Dead silence.

More silence.

Still more silence.

Finally, one husband (a future pastor) piped up, “Because, we are commanded to.”

I knew he was referring to Genesis 1:28 where God commands Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.”

“Touche,” I thought.

So I followed up with my real concern.

“Ok, but isn’t it inevitable that you’re going to cause your kids pain? Isn’t there going to come a time when they no longer like you or may even hate you? How can you willingly bring a child into the world knowing that you’re just going to screw them up?!”

Again, dead silence.

This time the silence was broken by the leader of our group, a seasoned wife and mother whose children were adults (and still walking with Jesus). She calmly replied,

“Yes, that is all very possible…”

She then shared with us some of her own parenting mistakes. She recounted the many times she and her husband “lost it” with their kids. The many times their kids “disowned” them. And the many times she and her husband did not do the right thing in the right situation.

I thought, “Yes, this is what I am talking about!”

But then she gave us the best piece of parenting advice that I have ever heard.

“Pray for your kids,” she said.

The advice was so simple, I couldn’t help but think, I could do that.

She explained, “That’s one thing we’ve done right is we pray for our kids. Every night after our kids went to bed we prayed for them. When they were still little I would go in their room and put my hand on their warm little backs and pray that God would heal them from any hurt that I have caused them. That he would remove any evil that had come into their life that day. And that he would protect them from the consequences of my sins.”

She assured us her kids weren’t perfect and their family still had hard times.

But she said, “Jesus answered those prayers. Jesus was bigger than my mistakes, and today we have good relationships with our kids.”

In that moment I had a strange sensation of  hope.

As I write this we now have three kids and another on the way. Meredith and I are far from perfect parents. And our kids are far from perfect kids. But we have made it a priority to pray for our kids, every night at bedtime, sometimes in the morning and at times through out the day. I don’t do it because I’m a super spiritual pastor. I do it because I recoginize I am a very imperfect parent with imperfect kids in need of a very perfect God.

And I pray for my kids because in the decade plus years since that couples retreat, I have talked to many other parents. And I’ve met a number of parents whose kids I wish I could duplicate. Parents who have excellent relationships with their kids (even as adults). They all have one thing in common. They all spent time–lots of time–praying for their kids.

And so I pray for my kids.

It’s the best piece of parenting advice I’ve ever received.

4 Reasons To Read The Bible As A Family

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Forget for a second that your teenagers pretend they don’t want to be around you. Forget that the first time you try to do this it is going to feel awkward. Forget that you feel like you don’t know the right way to do it.

Just pick a time of the day and go for it. Use a Bible reading plan. Read together for 15 mins.  Talk about what you read. Then close in prayer.Wm._Riley_Blankinship,_miner,_with_his_children._Koppers_Coal_Division,_Kopperston_Mine,_Kopperston,_Wyoming_County..._-_NARA_-_540984

Don’t worry if at first it doesn’t seem fruitful. What’s important is the routine of reading the Bible together as a family.

Because reading the Bible as a family does four things for your family:

First, it shows that you as the parent value the Bible.

This might seem like a small thing. It’s not. Teen’s attitude toward the Bible will often reflect their parent’s attitude toward the Bible. If teens don’t see their parents holding the Bible in high esteem, then neither will they. One of the greatest ways parents can contribute to the faith of their students is to share with them why they (the parents) reads the Bible, and how it has changed their lives.

Second, it centers your family around God’s Word.

Every time your family reads the Bible together, you are in a very simple way saying to your family that “as for me and my house we will serve the Lord.” It’s a simple reminder to the family that your family is not like other families. Your family has different values, different traditions, different expectations. Your family is a family that seeks to follow Jesus. When you read the Bible together as a family you are reshaping your family’s identity. You’re grounding your family in something bigger than sports, music, video games, clothes, appearances, and other stuff. You’re giving your kids a sense of security that is hard to find anywhere else.

Third, when families read the Bible together it opens up the lines of dialogue.

Having trouble talking to your teens? Read the Bible together. Then ask them what came to their mind as they read (or heard) the words? What questions did they have? What did it make them think about God? What about their their life? About their friend’s lives?  Don’t worry about having all the right responses. Instead just focus on hearing what is on your teen’s heart. Think of it as a three-way conversation between you (the parents), your teens, and God. Trust that God’s Word is alive and active. And overtime God will use His Word to open up your teen to sharing what is on his or her heart.

Fourth, it might just save their marriage (and yours).

This might seem random, but it’s not.  There is a long held belief that the divorce rate in America is 50%. Now it turns out that it’s not quite that high at all. But do you know what the divorce rate is for couples who regularly read their Bibles together or pray together– less than 1%. That means if you help your children feel like reading the Bible as a family is normal, they might just do that with their spouse one day. And it might just be the one consistent practice that gives them the foundation to weather all the storms of life that come in a marriage. Not to mention reading the Bible as family will likely strengthen your marriage, which will in turn give you children  a healthier picture of marriage. It’s win-win.

 

Yeah, it might be awkward. Yes, it will take some practice. But know that it is worth it.

Because families that read the Bible together are simply, better families.

 

 

What you can expect from Jesus in 2015

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A group of men come to Jesus. One of them is disabled. The men know Jesus can heal people. Because the last time Jesus was in their town he healed everyone that came to him. Unfortunately the disabled man and his friends weren’t around. They missed out.

But not this time.

Jesus is back in town. The crowd at his house is so large no one else can get in. But this doesn’t stop the group of men. Together they haul their disabled companion up the exterior house stairs. Then they rip through the roof in order to lower their friend down to Jesus.  No time to worry about the damage to the house. They’ll take care of that later.

For now, they have one concern. Get our disabled friend to Jesus.

It works.

They lower the man right it front of Jesus. Jesus sees the man. Jesus sees that the man is disabled.

The men look down from the roof, hope fills their hearts. They did what they set out to accomplish.

A hush falls over the crowd inside the house. Everyone is expecting Jesus to do one thing. The same thing Jesus did the last time he was in town. Heal someone.

But Jesus doesn’t meet their expectations. At least not right away. Instead with compassion in his eyes, Jesus says to the disabled man, “Son your sins are forgiven.”

The words catch everyone off guard.

In particular, the words of Jesus irritate the religious experts in the room. They know that only God can forgive sins. Jesus knows what they are thinking. And he knows that they are right.

But what they don’t know yet is that Jesus is God. So Jesus shows them.

He says to the disabled man, “get up, take your mat, and go home.” The disabled man stands up, picks up his mat, and goes home. Everyone is amazed. They break out in worship, praising God saying, “we have never seen anything like this!”

Now there are new expectations.

John MacArthur once asked, what is the one thing that makes Jesus different from every other religious leader and Christianity different than any other religion?

His answer, only Jesus can forgive sins. Only Christianity offers (through Jesus) the forgiveness of sins.

This is significant.

Other people can heal our physical needs (and other similar needs –financial, relational, emotional etc.)

But only God can heal our spiritual need. The need to be freed from the guilt and eternal consequences of all our wrong doings. The need to be forgiven.

Jesus healed the disabled man to prove that he has the authority to forgive sins. But Jesus doesn’t heal everyone. Not then. And not now.

I was reminded of this harsh reality when I was guest preaching last week. In the front row of a few hundred people sat a young  girl in a wheelchair.

Why doesn’t Jesus heal her?

Jesus cares for all that he has made. But to heal the body is a temporary fix. And every other need outside the need for God to forgive our sins is temporary.

Jesus came to provide us more than just a temporary fix.  He came to give us something that would last forever and could never be taken away.

A status change.

From enemy of God to adopted son or daughter of God. From sinner to saint. From slave to sin to slave to righteousness. From recipient of God’s wrath to recipient of God’s grace. From worshiper of gods to the worshiper of God. From the hopeless to the hopeful. From a seeker of love to one that is loved unconditionally.

All such status changes (and more) come from receiving the forgiveness of sins.

In 2015 you and I will be needy. We will have physical needs, relational needs, emotional needs, financial needs. We should takes all these needs to Jesus.

But let us come expecting that Jesus wants to do something more than just provide us with temporary fixes. The disabled man and his friends were drawn to Jesus because of a physical need. But Jesus used the opportunity to heal the man’s greater need.  We should expect that Jesus will do the same with each of us.